Saturday, September 24, 2011

Parenting Gods...

...a humble list of requests:

Please let me remember, when I am naming my child, that while names like Timothy are fine, names like Thymmoethieyx (the x is silent) are not.  Kid's got two moms, alright?  Enough is enough.

Please let me never spend more on an outfit ensemble for my child than I spent on groceries that week.

Please let me never get hung up on what the other mommies at Circle Sing or Baby ASL think about my lack of eyebrow grooming.

Better yet, let me not feel guilty about asking Alix to take the kids to Circle Sing or Baby Sign so that I can shower and pee with the door closed.  (Or, heaven help us, maybe we just won't go one week.)

Please let me never ask a babysitter to cook a meal for my child(ren) that involves more than five ingredients or three steps.  The world will not end if they eat frozen pizza.

Please let me remember that things like pajamas, diapers, security blankets, and formula should be in OBVIOUS places that are easily accessible to anyone caring for my children.

Please let me also remember that things like menstrual cups, sex toys, lingerie, and porn should be in extremely UN-obvious places, difficult to access by children and caregivers alike.

Please let me never refer to my child's genitals by anything other than the words "penis" or "vagina."  A penis is not a "unit" and a vagina is not a "hoo-ha."  Really.

Please let me remember that dirt, sand, grass, pebbles, and fur, if ingested in small amounts, will not kill my child, nor even seriously maim them.

Please let me never fall victim to claims that IT IS ABSOLUTELY CRUCIALLY NECESSARY that I buy this newest contraption, guaranteed to soothe/feed/transport/clean my child for the LOW LOW PRICE of $XXX,XXX.  I've got hands, arms, and boobs.  Please let me remember that those are almost always enough.

Please let me never schedule my child's life so much that he/she requires his/her own Blackberry to keep track of it all.  

Please let me remember that I grew up fine without television and so will my children.

Please let me relax and let other people take a turn when it's too much for me.  It doesn't make me a bad mom if I need help sometimes.

Please let me remember, then, that the more people that love my child, the better.  Please help me not to be jealous or resentful when this happens, and instead remember how much fun it was to love on kids when was a nanny.

Please help me to never, ever criticize my body in front of my children.  If "Mommy's belly" was good enough for them to live in, it should be good enough for me to live with.

Please, above all else, help me to be calm, to carry on, to do some things right, to fuck other things up, to hug them, kiss them, cry over them, scold them, pull them close, and eventually, let them go.

**This list brought to you by myself and a friend.  Nannying will give you nothing if not ideas of what not to do with our own children!**


Noelle said...

"Please help me to never, ever criticize my body in front of my children."

I am so, so bad about this one. Because out-loud self-criticism is like a knee reflex with me! But your list was a good reminder to work on it, because, well, hellz yeah.

Also, please remember to teach your children to say "vulva." Girls have vaginas, yes, but they also have lots of crucial outside parts that deserve more recognition.

Cait said...

Noelle, you're so right about teaching the difference between "vagina" and "vulva." Even if it means my kids will be teaching all of their preschool friends the proper terms as well!