Sunday, January 16, 2011

In Sickness and In Health

Okay, so technically, Alix and I haven't said our vows yet (nor do we have a clue what we'll be saying on the big day) but this last week has been a grand experiment in the sickness category. My boss had a cold a few weeks ago. This happens less often than you might expect, given that she is a doctor. I thought, maybe, just maybe, I wouldn't catch it, since we don't spend a whole lot of time together and I wash my hands constantly. No such luck. The cold kicked in with a horrible sore throat, moved into my lungs and aggravated my asthma so much Alix almost had to take me to the hospital one night, and then settled comfortably into my sinuses and lungs ever since so that I'm fully decked out with a hacking cough and a stuffy head. Three days later, Alix got the same cold. And then....Friday night came around, and what I thought was just motion sickness on the train home from a concert in Brooklyn turned out to be a horrible stomach virus. I've spent all weekend running a fever, throwing up, and sipping water to try to combat dehydration. I had to call in sick to work at the bakery yesterday and today and Alix has been in caretaker overdrive, bringing me Smart Water and giving me ibuprofen around the clock to keep my fever in check. Finally, this evening, my fever had broken and I'd eaten a little bit of soup and was feeling up to a very minor adventure. There's a Barnes and Noble on the corner of our street and there was a book we wanted to get about (go figure) wedding planning. So I put on some sweatpants and my slippers and my long all-purpose winter coat that covers me to my knees and we sloooowly walked over and found the book. Just as we're about to leave, this asshole woman (I'm still in shock that people can be this rude) walks by me and says to my face, "Oh don't you look comfortable!" (sweeps accusatory gaze up and down, taking in my bedraggled appearance), "No, it's great, really, you look soooo comfortable!" (shakes head, giggling at her own wit while making waggly eyebrows at her friend). I stood there in shock, completely incapable of responding, not quite understanding just exactly this woman's prerogative was. Did I look like shit? Yes, of course I did. I'd like to see what anyone looks like after running a 102 degree fever for two days looks like. But you know what else, woman? You were fat. And your hair dye job? Not looking so good. Oh, and your karma? I can tell you right now, that if there is any justice in the world, one tiny pathogen jumped from me to you during your tirade and this time tomorrow, you'll be sitting on the toilet with a bucket on your lap, just like I was. So fuck you. No, I'm not comfortable. I'm really, really sick. And I hope it made your day, making me want to cry in the middle of Barnes and Noble.

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