Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Can I get some H20?

There's been construction going on in the apartment above the boys' lower level brownstone for weeks.  It's especially fun when they're jackhammering and sawing and drilling around say, 1:00 to 3:00 PM (i.e., naptime).  I've become very creative with the use of fans as white noise machines and stuffed animals as "headphones" in order for Bee and Bean to be able to fall - and stay - asleep.  And then, today, it all took a turn for the worse.  We came home for lunch, hot, sweaty, and sticky in the way that only a combination of sunscreen and sand can create.  (You wouldn't think that there would be a whole lot of sand in New York City, seeing as how the closest beaches are at least an hour away by subway.  But rest assured, every. single. playground. has a sandbox.)  I had decided on a pre-lunch bath for all three boys in order to avoid leaving a greasy, gritty trail through the entire house.  As I went to turn on the tub faucet, all that emerged was...a gurgle.  I whipped around and tried the faucet.  Gurgle.  Then, I made a crucial error.  I decided to see if the toilet was working - by flushing it.  As it turns out, toilets will flush when the water is turned off - once.  Because then the tank won't refill, get it?  So you can't flush again.  And there I had just wasted our one free flush when I had two toddlers who'd been guzzling water in the hot sun all morning, one of whom is very actively being potty-trained right now.  And oh yeah, my bladder is approximately the size of a large peanut and I drink 12-18 cups of water a day (no joke).  Plus coffee.  Shitttttttt.....

"Um..okay boys!  The water's off!  Here's where things get fun!"  Leaving poor Bean strapped into the stroller for a minute, I scooped both older boys up and carried them through the house and into the backyard where the kiddie pool lay - thank God - half-filled from only this morning.  So the water was not only clean(ish), but relatively warmed by the sun.  I told the boys, "Stand here.  DO NOT MOVE."  I ran back through the house and grabbed a hotly protesting Bean and brought him to the backyard too, setting him down and pretended I didn't notice him bee-lining for the posies.  "Okay!  We're going to have bath in the pool today!"  I stripped the older boys down, put them in the pool, grabbed a dishtowel, and did my best to slosh all the sand off their bodies.  Bean, meanwhile, had abandoned the posies, and was attempting to climb into the pool himself, fully clothed.  I lifted Bee out, dripping, and placed him just inside the back door on the doormat with the same instructions, "Stand here.  DO NOT MOVE."  I repeated with LM.  At lightning speed, I stripped Bean and gave him the most thorough dunking of any of them, because sand and diapers have a gravitational pull, which meant that every crease and fold of his chunky body was full of sand.  I swear, the sandbox was empty by the time we left.

Finally, I brought all three inside, tossed out towels and rushed to get a diaper on Bean who was staring off into space and gnawing on his fingers (i.e., about to pee).  I had both older boys pee in the toilet before dressing them in clean clothes and instructing them to "do something nondestructive" while I made lunch.

I rationed our one half-full Brita pitcher of water and "washed" hands and faces with baby wipes, finally laying the little guys down for naps.  And then, dear God, I tried to hold it but I had to pee so bad, my belly was distended like I was four months pregnant.  So I looked at the two little boy pees already sitting in the bowl, said to myself Fuck it, and went.  Either the water would come back and I would flush, or it wouldn't.  I was not going to - as a friend suggested via text message when she heard of my plight - pee in a diaper.

Thankfully, the water was back on by the time we returned from our afternoon adventure and I was thus spared the task of figuring out how to cook dinner (not sandwiches) and give (real) baths without running water.  First world problems, I know.  But still.  I was never so happy to see a toilet flush than I was by the time it had collected six - yes, six - pees (mine included).


The Nanny said...

Dude. The diaper thing? WAS A GOOD SUGGESTION.


I. J. S.

Cait said...

Like I explained before, I don't think that even FOUR diapers would have collected the volume of urine I was holding. And dude, those things are expensive.