Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Horizontal

I can't seem to move myself from this position.  I've perfected the art form, over the years, of being masterfully upright, capable, cheerful, and productive when I'm supposed to be (like during my new job that started today, for example) in spite of whatever I'm really feeling inside.  And right now, what I'm mostly feeling is...empty.  Hence the horizontal position of choice.  It's not like there's not a million things I should be doing (all of which, it should be noted, would almost definitely make me feel better).

I could wash, dry, and put away the stack of dishes the size of Montana.
I could go buy a new camera USB cord at the Radio Shack two blocks away since Rupert ate my other one.
I could get coffee at my favorite coffee place, also two blocks away.
Incredibly, I could do both of the above tasks on the same trip.
I could turn on the TV.
I could go to the gym, which I've been avoiding for the last few weeks.
I could make the bed.
I could learn how to use the coffee grinder we bought and thus make my OWN cup of coffee, negating even the necessity of leaving the house for coffee.
I could read one of the two new books on my Kindle.
I could return my library book.
I could read my magazine that came four days ago (I usually devour new magazines the instant I get them).

Instead, I'm here on the couch, listening to the same sad music, in the same sweatpants that I change into the instant I get home every day, drinking a cup of tea that was a monumental effort to make, and trying to be happy about all of the great things I have going on in my life.  But oh, jeeze, it's hard sometimes.  Because right now, all I'm really doing is counting the minutes until it's socially acceptable to get into bed.  So I can sleep until 2 AM (my body's preferred wake-up time), after which I doze fitfully until 5 AM or so, and then get up way too early to start my day.

There's a lot of good in my life these days - Alix, my family, my friends, my new jobs, my pets, my independence, my freedom, my (relative) health.  But sometimes, even with all those great things, life is fucking hard.  So excuse me while I stay horizontal for just a little while longer.

3 comments:

Brigid said...

I am very familiar with this problem! It happens to me especially if Wiley isn't home when I get home from work, like if she's out with friends or something. I don't want to talk to my housemates, I don't want to feed the cat, I don't want to make myself dinner even if I'm ravenous. I definitely don't want to write a blog post -- so cheers to you for doing that, at least!

scribbler said...

aw, hope everything is going ok..
sounds there there have been a number of big changes in your life recently, which can lead to wanting to do nothing, so give yourself a break, but then jump back up and get right back into it! you're amazing and you're great at everything you do and you're right, you've got so much that's good in your life.. but give yourself a break every once in a while and let yourself feel how hard life can truly be... just don't forget why it's worth it! :)

Cait said...

Thanks to you both!

Brigid, I don't know why it's so exhausting to do the little things, but I'm glad you see where I'm coming from. Some days, feeding yourself (and the cats!) is a major accomplishment. Hugs.

Scribbler, your words of encouragement made me smile. I'm trying hard to stay upbeat and positive through all the tough changes. Friends, Alix, blog love, and my furry boys are definitely getting me through