Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Date with a Monster

I was supposed to be waking up right about now.  Instead, I woke up about an hour and a half ago and knew it was useless to try to go back to sleep, so I hopped in the shower and finished my packing.  Why did I have my alarm set for 2:15 AM?  Because I'm catching a 6:05 AM flight to Michigan with this girl!  It's a yearly family vacation trip that she makes each summer and on which she graciously invited me to tag along.

Yesterday, I was a bustle of activity.  I took Rupert to Alix's dad's house for the week, I did laundry, I cleaned, I figured out how to hold my mail, I took care of my plants, I packed (halfway), and I got Tucker safely into the hands of my brother.  It should be noted that while Rupert was sad to see me leave, Tucker left for his uncle's house without so much as a backward glance.  Clearly Mom's coolness pales in comparison with that of his hip, artsy uncle (who happens to live in a ginormous Brooklyn apartment and who feeds him grilled cheese).

Last night, packing by myself in the emptiest apartment I've ever been in was surreal.  There was no panting dog that needed to be carried down three flights of stairs.  There was no sulky cat waiting in the shadows to attack my legs as I walked by.  And there was definitely no Alix, the most heartbreaking absence of all.  However, it should be noted that I had a super duper fun experience with the "My-Job-is-to-Make-You-Highly-Uncomfortable Monster."  Otherwise known as the activity of trying on swimsuits.  I hate looking at myself in the mirror anyway, let alone scantily clad in swimwear.  And the most frustrating thing about it?  Seeing that the suits I wore when I was forty pounds heavier hang off of me like oversized diapers and bras two cup sizes too big does not make it any easier to see that my actual body has changed.  I still look in the mirror and find the body I see to be disgusting and fat.  It horrifies me that forty pounds ago, I felt confident enough to go out in public wearing these suits when now, even though they're hanging off of me, I'm terrified of going to the beach in anything more revealing than a snowsuit.

I'll tell you this much - eating disorders really screw you.  They manipulate, they talk you down, and they seek to control over your every move.  They also cloud your vision and lie to your face.  I'm determined to have fun on this vacation, eating disorder be damned.  And on that note - I got a plane to catch.  See ya!

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