Thursday, December 20, 2012

A Year Gone By

It occurred to me tonight as I was brushing my teeth that exactly one year ago (or pretty close, I don't remember the exact date) I was convinced my life was over.  I know that when someone close to you dies, they say that it takes at least one full year to adjust to their absence - you have to live through the pain of every birthday, every holiday, every season change without them by your side in order to fully accept it and move on.  Maybe that's a little bit true for a heartbreak as well.  When the person you loved most in the world up and leaves your side, it certainly takes more than a couple of weeks to adjust to life without them.  And though the first few months of 2012 were downright miserable, as the seasons warmed, so did my heart.  I thought of Alix on her birthday in August, yes, and I reminisced about our life together on one of my trips back to New York to visit friends.  But if I hadn't gotten to a place where I felt okay about being on my own, and where I was excited and proud to be going to grad school of my own volition, and yes, even a little bit more comfortable in my own skin, I never would have met this person.

And I will not compare them.  Because that's just tacky.  But I love that when I'm stressed about finals, he will pull out a jar of bubbles - yes, bubbles - and blow them around the apartment until he can get me to smile.  Or that when we run together, the miles slip away under our feet and with them, the worries and stresses of the day and there is nothing else, just me and him.

I don't know what the future holds, indeed none of us do.  But today seems like a fitting day to close the door on a part of my past that I am happy to leave behind.  This past year of at first overwhelming and piercing, and then lessening and dulling grief is done.  Happily, I am letting it go.  I hope that Alix, too has found a better love, that she has left her demons behind and found a path that fulfills her and brings her joy.  I think that both of us deserve that.  

* * *

And with the successful submission of my online Anatomy & Physiology final this evening, I am officially done with my first semester of nursing school!  It was harder than I could have anticipated, and in ways that I never could have predicted, but ultimately - I am so glad I am there, learning as much as I am, and one semester closer to catching babies down the road.  That said, I slept 12 hours last night and took a 2 hour nap this afternoon, so Yale, you're awesome in a lot of ways, but the amount of sleep you allow me is seriously an issue.  Let's work on that, okay?

1 comment:

The Nanny said...

I read this post, and then walked into our bathroom and saw your lab coat hanging on your door. It made me smile so big. I love you, Cait, and I'm so proud of you.