Friday, August 3, 2012

Moving: A Helpful Guide

Dear anyone planning on moving, ever:

When preparing to move yourself, your friend, and your two crazy cats from one city to another, please refer to the following list for some examples of probable occurrences that will make all of your previous planning efforts look pitiful and elementary by comparison:
1.  It will be 90 degrees while you are packing (and unpacking) and there will be no air conditioning.  You will also have inevitably already packed the fan(s).
2.  Your moving truck company will call you the day before your move to confirm your order.  The confirmation will be incorrect, stating both the wrong time and the wrong location for truck pickup.
3.  No one at said moving company will give a flying Fig Newton that you have a strict schedule to adhere to, given that you have hired moving help in both cities.
4.  The night before your move, you will suddenly realize that you neglected to set up gas OR electricity in the new house.  Oh, but don't worry - you scheduled someone to install the wireless internet a week ago.
5.  Also, the night before your move - you will succumb to a raging yeast infection that requires going to the pharmacy for Monistat.
6.  You will be unpleasantly surprised by the enormity of the truck you rented, upon seeing it for the first time.
7.  You will develop a sudden and unwavering faith in all divine beings, in the hope that one or all of them will take pity on you and keep you safe while you maneuver the twenty-six feet long, eleven feet tall moving truck.
8.  You will give yourself (and your fish passenger) loud, inspiring motivational speeches during the most terrifying three hour drive of your life.  These speeches will occasionally be interrupted by outbursts of cursing so filthy that they would make your mother blush.  This usually happens when someone cuts you off, honks their horn at you, or otherwise raises your blood pressure even further, but occasionally these outbursts will be more self-directed, e.g., "WHY DO I OWN SO MUCH bleep-ING SHIT??? SO MUCH THAT IT FILLS THIS INFERNAL, bleep bleep bleeeeeep TRUCK??!!"
9.  Eventually, you will arrive.
10.  You will sigh a huge sigh of relief.  You will dance.  You will even sing a little.
11.  You will watch, exhausted, while your cats explore their new domain, and you will hope to God that this was the right choice.
12.  You will watch, exhausted, while all of your stuff is moved into the house.
13.  You will give these moving men your last dollar bills.  Literally.
14.  You will rally, unwillingly, and take the moving truck back and NEVER, EVER DRIVE ONE AGAIN.
15.  You will go back.  You will tear up as you turn your key in the lock and step over the threshold.
16.  You will survey the boxes, pledge to be ruthless in your sorting as you unpack, and get ready for bed.
17.  You will be home.

1 comment:

Allison the Meep said...

I hope you're enjoying your new place and getting it super cozy and happy and homey feeling. Moves are crazy stressful, but being able to get all your shit in the new place and then flop into bed for sleep is maybe one of the most earned rests ever.