Thursday, December 29, 2011

Rue the Day

I had dinner at my brother's place the other night, while I was upstate for Christmas.  We listened to music, deciphered the strange noises coming from his fridge, and after three glasses of wine apiece attempted to convert a Jamie Oliver risotto recipe from metric to...American?  Whatever is the opposite of metric?  The risotto turned out deliciously, I have a whole list of new artists to listen to, and we talked.  A lot.  About girls, relationships, and life in general.  We talked about having our hearts broken and about being dumped for reasons that we don't understand.  We also talked about what to do in the aftermath.  How to pick yourself up and get on with your life.  I'm scared, I told him, of falling apart the way I did after my first serious relationship ended.  I literally came apart at the seams: I drank too much, I drove too fast, I skipped class, I was late for work, I had hangovers that lasted for days, I lied about why my assignments weren't done - in short, I made a lot of really bad, unhealthy choices because I felt like, fuck it, my life is derailed?  Might as well be the runaway train heading for a crash.  I was lucky.  Nothing too disastrous happened and I made it out of that dark period intact (ironically or not, meeting Alix played a huge part in getting me out of the mess I was making of my life).

But what do I do this time around, to make it different? I asked.  You tell yourself this, he said.  You say, six months from now, I am going to be a better person than I am right now.  I am going to make changes that make me happier, healthier, and better for myself.  And - you are going to make her rue the fucking day that she let you go.  I smiled.  He smiled.  We ate risotto, had a bit more wine, he hugged me goodbye and told me to keep my chin up.

I got home tonight to Boston.
I went for a run.
I took my vitamins.
I ate dinner.
I'm going to bed early so I can run again in the morning.
I have a job interview at 10 AM (3-month-old twins - squee!).
Me?  I'm going to be okay.  I don't know when, but I know that I will.

So yeah, go ahead.  Rue the fucking day.


Holly R said...


Sounds like you're doing amazing, glad to hear (read) you're doing betterish. Hope the job interview was awesome!


Cait said...

Thanks Holly! Some days are better than others, of course, but in general, things are looking up. I'll post updates about jobs soon!